Wednesday, December 3, 2008

|Affinitas Somnius|

Truly a stiff person to reckon with but I am sure I have friends who would disagree with that statement (and maybe that's why I am their friend).

Born a Leo sans the high dose of attitude and ego (High dose is the key word here) but ask my friends and they will tell you that i am known for imposing my thoughts in their head.
A friend of mine once analyzed me from a psychological perspective and told me that I have a need for power control. No matter how sweet I seem outside, I thirst for a position that will make people around me to listen to me.

I don't know how much of this is true but deep inside the bottom line is I am protective to the people I love who are generally the people who love me.
The sheer lack of manners that include speaking out when things aren't right has got me into trouble once too many times.

I fear almost nothing. They only startle me or jolt me for a while for I know i can face it, I walk towards it instead of running away from it. Yeah! i am more fool hardy than courageous. I like it that way.

I have been known to be level headed in worst situations, reminiscing the problem only after it has been solved... Well all this WAS Me.

Who am I now. A different person. Well the good things about me remain the same, the bad things as well but still it is different. For a person who thought and taught that emotions outside family and friends are a big farce. For a person who thought that romance is word invented by mills&boons and who thought that love is purely the release of phenylethylamines at the right spot at the right time, it is a BIG change.

One of my friend often accused me of being a stone heart for not being able to melt when she tells me stories of bliss of love. It ain't my fault. I haven't felt it before; not until now. Not until she came into my life.

She touched me where I never let anyone even venture. She opened something that I thought was a wall but she proved me wrong. Over night she changed me. I mellowed. I did not know I could purr but here I am.

Now I know what I was missing in life but I am just beginning to understand it. It is making me so strong that I am weakened it. I am so happy that I could cry. I feel so wanted that without her I'd feel wasted.

There is absolutely no insecurity, absolutely no distance I feel with her. She and I are one. but yet i thrust upon myself an imaginary circumstance where I force myself to think that if she has to walk out of my life. Now I know what fear is. I become sad, I become scared and distorted but all I have to do is have one look of her picture - WHAM. She is there for me.

Past couple of days, I have been missing her terribly and when i call her up, I would profess I miss her more than I told her that I love her. But yesterday, after I let her go to her sleep, I realized I couldn't sleep and she was responsible for that.

One day, I will meet her for the first time and I have no idea what will become of me.

Till then, I will suffer her absence. It is my choice, my prerogative.